2005-06-26 :: 5:01 p.m.
Female Trouble

I'm adding this entry so I can look back in a year and it will all seem funny.

Actually most of it is funny now.

I've got a doctor appointment to find out why I'm spotting and cramping the past month. I wasn't going to say anything but I'm skairt I have cancer rotting my female parts. Of course if it's just the kind of female cancer where they pull out all the baby parts and I'm ok that might be a good thing.

2 months ago I forgot to take my ortho novum 2 days in a row.--I've only been on it 17 years -- and it fucked up my cycle but it was back to normal.

My mom is such a comfort.

I finally tell her my symptoms yesterday because I was getting stressed and she's like, ''that sounds just like me when I had cancer.'' As Kevin pointed out she can't remember where her house keys are. How can she remember symptoms from 24 years ago?

I hate female problems. They make it seem like a seething death hole down there.

This is now after my appointment.....

I'm back.

They took pee but rescheduled my pap for 2 weeks from tomorrow because I'm bleeding and next week is my period. I also am apperantly a huge dumbass who probably brought this on herself and my doctor made me make an appointment w/the staff pysch person.

I'm just like Tom Cruise.

4 weeks ago I ran out of my Zoloft and Buspar. I decided to try a experiment and see how I felt w/out it. I've been taking it for 8 years. I didn't tell anyone thinking it was no big deal, if I started wigging out I could get the presciption.

I felt good, maybe a little manic. I've noticed I've been a little emotional, weepy.

My doctor was appalled. ''why would you do that? People die from that! No wonder you are spotting and bleeding! Your hormones are all out of whack. I'm making you an appointment w/the staff pyschlogist''

So I started crying because I hate getting reprimanded/yelled at.

I don't believe I could die from that. I think she was upset at me for not thinking of the consequences of going off and she was trying to scare me. I talked this over w/I talked this over w/kevin and I'm kind of pissed at the way she treated me.

She's on the staff at SIU and is all holistic and anti prescription but says there's a reason for these drugs like Zoloft and Buspar and they do work.

But she got me upset, well, more upset and I started crying when she was ''People die from that!'' because she scared me. Then I was crying and she was like, all in to it. Handing me tissue and shit. Patting my knee ''there, there.''

And when I left she gave me a hug which I let her do because I felt all weird and upset but know I'm like ''WTF?!''

She wouldn't do the pap because the 'blood would nullify the results' and I said 'but look at the inside of my pants! I'm bleeding like I'm menstruating'' and she said ''Your insurance won't cover 2 paps in one month.''

So I said I'd pay out of pocket and she said, ''I don't think waiting two weeks to see if it was the sudden stopping of your medication is going to kill you and I strongly advise against doing the pap when you are this emotional.'' Like I'm fucking laugher dissassociating.

LADY, I'M EMOTIONAL BECAUSE YOU JUST ACTED LIKE I WAS A MORON GOING OFF MY MEDICINE AND YOU TOLD ME I COULD HAVE DIED!

She gave me a starter pack to restart the Zoloft and Buspar because she said it wasn't good to just start at my regular dosage.

I'm glad she's leaving to start her own practice near by, Pomona We were thinking about following her. We had liked her. But this kind of soured me on her. I feel kind of....used and abused? Manipulated? I don't mind a doctor being frank but I feel weird about this. Am I over reacting because I'm a crazy stupid woman who went off her medication?

Anyway I see her again in 2 weeks and then I can decide if I want to switch to a new staff doctor or follow her.